HEAVEN:  A BRIEF GUIDE TO HELP YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY

 

Around 150,000 humans and untold millions of animals die every day. 

 

Welcome to Heaven. It’s going to be busy.

 

You’ve probably heard a lot about our establishment; but we’d ask that you leave a few preconceptions at the door. 

 

We’ve made the place as comfortable as possible for you.  There’s plenty of space; after all, there has to be, considering the demand for our services. 

 

You won’t have to worry about food or drink.  Once you cross the threshold and step foot in our realm, you will find you no longer need or desire such tiresome earthly necessities.

 

Back in your mortal life you will doubtless have had problems with shelter.  You will have had to erect buildings to protect you from the cold, the rain, the wind; and from the searing heat of the sun.  You will be delighted to learn that such concerns are now all in your past.  We’ve created the most pleasant environment in which to enjoy your aftedeath; by shielding Heaven from the elements with a thick, warm, cosy blanket of cloud.

 

This creates a constant, stable, temperate ecosystem where shelter is no longer necessary; and of course also has the added benefit of removing any cause of status envy amongst our clients.  All humans are equal here, and you are free to wander within your designated Isle as you please. 

 

In the world of the living, you will almost certainly have been subject to the predation of some of our other non-human clients; and you will be relieved to know that you have been allocated your own Isle safely segregated from any species that might once have viewed you as nourishment.

 

Of course there are a few simple house rules you will have to follow for both your benefit and that of our other clients.

 

Firstly, a rule that should hardly need noting:  NO FIGHTING.  We have been troubled by reports from the mortal realm that many of our customers have indulged in activities ranging from fist-fights to wars.   We do not tolerate such behaviour here, and have removed most opportunities for such violent and inappropriate behaviour to take place.  We have geo-engineered your Isle from soft, harmless material to ensure that there is no chance for anyone to make weapons.  You will be safe here; so rejoice!

 

Secondly, and more seriously:  NO COPULATING.  Given the relentless and ever-increasing demand for our services, we cannot allow our customers to breed.  We work under strict budgets, and resource allocations are limited, so we are only able to cope with those that enter our realms via the usual channels. 

 

In any case you will find that you are no longer able to reproduce; your bodies entered bio-stasis once you arrived here, so there is absolutely no point in trying.  If you persist in these pointless attempts at fornication, you will be dealt with swiftly and accordingly.

 

Finally, and most importantly, you will ATONE FOR YOUR SINS.  The world you have now left behind was a violent, bestial place; where you and your kin inflicted all manner of suffering upon your fellow creatures.  To aid the atonement process, we have implemented a swift and painless method of conflict resolution: THE INQUISITION.  This process brings you and your victim face to face in order that they may present a victim impact statement, and each case is then judged, on its own merit, by one of our skilled Inquisitors.   You will make yourself available for the Inquisition at any time.

 

So, that’s about all.

 

Imagine a world where there is no food, no drink, no sex, no buildings, no weather, no possessions, no war.   We take delight in making you part of this paradise.

 

Welcome to Heaven.